Dangerous words-Part 1-Should

My clients often come to me unaware of the words they use that constrain their thoughts and so their actions.

A quick example; how often have you said to yourself "I should do this" or "I should stop doing that"?
If you are like many people I meet, you say something like this quite often.

But that "should" often implies two things
1) I should do it but I'm not going to. (Or I can't)
2) I should do it according to whom?

In the first example a should often indicates that we believe it would be useful to do something but we resist (for whatever reason) and that sets up an internal conflict where neither position is resolved.

In the second example it can be useful to ask "I should according to whose rules?"

Often when a person uses 'should', their actions are being driven by an outside influence, a previous teaching or a moral standard. This may be something we picked up as children and had drilled into us or it may be something that we collected on our journey through adulthood. Do those things still apply today?

So if today you find yourself saying "should", just stop. Ask yourself "I should according to whose rules?". If you don't value that person or organisation why should you?

Secondly, it is much more useful to decide to do something or not do something rather than saying I should do it.

Think about the situation where you used the word should and decide whether you will or won't do the thing. It's ok to decide that you'll do it, but you don't know how. Or to say I'll do it when "this happens"; then get on  with the rest of the day.

Should is a slippery little word and when you begin to look at how you use it, you may just begin to see that it indicates areas of your life where other people or social expectations conflict with your own values.

When you avoid the word, should, you'll avoid those inner conflicts.

By the way, if you find yourself saying "you should" to someone else, ask yourself why should they? Why should they run your agenda or follow your ideas. That should word can be a bit of a bully. Watch out for it.